2 years...

Tomorrow is 2 years since I was baptised.

As I reflect on the past two years, and my time with God, I have tears spring to my eyes. Some are tears of happiness, and some are not so happy. Some are tears of shame, some tears of grief, and others are tears for reasons I can’t quite comprehend.

I feel like a different person to the girl I was 2 years ago, but I wonder sometimes, am I really?? Have I really given everything to God, and do I really love Him as I should?? Do I let him down? Do I make him cry?? Am I a disappointment to Him, after all He did for me??

I know that the answer to all of these questions is both yes and no. Sometimes I give it all over to God… but sometimes, I try to do it all by myself. I try to deal with the hurt and pain, the happiness and triumphs, the struggles and questions, with EVERYTHING, on my own… but inevitably, I remember that I can’t make it without Him, so I give it up, I cry to Him, and I ask Him for His help.

I know that most of the time, God is the One to whom I give all my love. I also know that sometimes, I try to avoid Him… I put human beings, mere mortals, before Him. I cry to my friends when I should be crying to God, and I cry about a person when I should give it to God and revel in the PERFECT love I have from Him.

I know that I disappoint Him at times. I am not perfect, and he doesn’t expect me to be… but He does expect me to obey His laws… and while I try, I do fail at times. I know that sometimes what I am doing is wrong, but I do it anyway… It feels good at the time, and it is only afterwards that I get the bitter aftertaste. To quote Don Francisco, “you trade your precious birthright for candy-coated sin”. I do TRY though… and I know that when I call to God with grief and repentance, He knows that I mean it… He knows that I will try harder, that I love Him… and I know that He forgives me.

In the past two years, I have made and lost friends. Some friends I have merely drifted apart from. One friend passed away. Of the friends I have made, I know that some I will have forever, and some I will lose. The ones I have forever are meant to be in my life forever… God brings them to me and me to them, to be permanent fixtures in each others lives. The ones I lose, they are here to serve a particular purpose, maybe to support me or teach me, maybe for me to teach something to. Either way, whether I have them for a week, a year, a decade or a lifetime, I love them all, and can Praise God for them. And praise Him I do.

I have had emotional ups and downs. I have ended a long term relationship, and been in another, far shorter one. I have had diabetes issues, and I have had depression issues. I have moved out of home, and back in again. I have had more blessings in my life than I can ever count, and I have God to thank for every moment. Every tear, every smile, every laugh, hug, kiss, touch, and word has been seen by Him, and I feel His love around me constantly.

Lord, through all my life You have protected me and guided me, even before I knew You, before I recognised Your awesome Grace and Power. In the last 2 years I have had the chance to acknowledge You, and I pray that I have made You proud… Thank you God, for my health, for the love I have been given, for my friends, whether here, interstate or overseas.

Most of all Lord, thank you for Your Son, Yeshua the Messiah, who gave His life for me.